As seen on The Big Lead on July 28, 2008
Being a Cincinnati Reds fan can be pretty shitty. Baseball’s original team has not made the playoffs since 1995, a season in which ‘roiders Benito Santiago, Hal Morris and Bret Boone led the team to 85 wins and an eventual loss to the Atlanta Braves in the NLCS.
I was three-years-old when the team last won a World Series. This type of drought can lead a serious baseball fan to drink heavily, and luckily, I accepted my fate. After sitting through yet another blown save by Francisco Cordero, my friend Bongsy and I decided to make a Reds Drinking Game. After all, what else can make sitting through another Reds loss better than to drink every time a player makes a memorable play? And so, without further ado, Bongsy and I (Secret Stash) present our
2008 Reds Drinking Game
-Must drink one (1) beer before Stormy Weathers (below) gives up a hit in an appearance and; before Dunner strikes out in an at-bat. Also: The song Stormy Weather, by Willie Hutch, must be played in its entirety every time Weathers appears.
Stormy Weathers poses before taking the mound for another ill-timed 87 mph fastball
-Must drink one (1) beer immediately when Dunner makes an error or hits a home run (prepare to drink heavily). Add one drink for solo home runs and home runs that travel more than 400 feet. One (1) beer must also be drank for every Joey Votto and Edwin Encarnacion error; Take an extra drink if Votto makes a throwing error back to the pitcher covering first.
Adam Dunn joyfully pumps his fist after striking out for the third time in one game. He finished the game with 3 K’s, 1 BB and 1 meaningless solo home run.
-Must drink one (1) beer, completed before the 3rd inning, whenever Javy Valentin starts at 1st base. Separately, one (1) drink when Javy actually makes a pinch hit appearance.
-Must take one (1) drink every time JTM commercials featuring Bronson Arroyo air. Take one (1) extra drink if Beef Hoagies are the special JTM flavor being sung about.
-Must take one (1) drink every time Chris Welsh of Fox Sports Net says “pret-tay” a la Larry David. Take an extra drink if he says a really long one, such as “Todd Coffey just made another pretttt-ay bad pitch.”
Chris Welsh, left, says “Prettay” during a Reds game. Studies have shown that Welsh uses the phrase, made famous by Larry David, 4.82 times per telecast.
-Must drink one-half (1/2) beer whenever the Reds lose the lead in seventh inning or above.
-Must drink four (4) beers by the end of the game if the other player in the Reds Drinking Game successfully answers the Aflac® Trivia Question. Rule only counts if player answers question without the use of an outside source. This feat is rarely accomplished and thus four beers are warranted.
-Must take two (2) drinks every time Dick Pole is seen or mentioned on the television screen.
Reds pitching coach Dick Pole has a name that never gets old. Dick Pole.
-If the Reds make the playoffs, player must drink three (3) shots of Everclear in a row, sans chaser. Must complete task prior to the beginning of the first playoff game.
- If When one of the Reds’ promising young pitchers is irreparably harmed due to excessive 115-pitch counts in meaningless games by manager Dusty Baker, player must drink six (6) beers. Player can drink these beers at any time; It isn’t part of the game, it’s more of a “Holy shit, I can’t believe Baker pulled a Mark Prior with Edinson Volquez.”
Cubs pitcher Mark Prior, writhing in pain, is hurt again while manager Dusty Baker looks on with satisfaction.
Feel free to add your own Reds Drinking Game additions. Be careful while playing this game: Because of the Reds’ eternal ineptitude, excessive drunkness is likely to occur while playing the game. I urge you not to drive after playing this game, for a DUI is no fun: just ask Ryan Freel. But boy, can he hustle!
Reds utility player / hustler poses for a mugshot after a DUI arrest. Not pictured: Farney.
